Counting to ten, or, perhaps, to a thousand. Honestly, it seems as though I seriously have to step back and count each and every single time I deal with a certain friend of mine. I've known her for years and have come to love her as a cherished friend. She has many good qualities, indeed. She's kind, she loves animals, and has many interests in common with me. But, anymore, it seems as though I have to put more and more effort into spending any kind of time with her whatsoever because she is SUCH a "Debbie Downer."
Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely without compassion for people in pain. And, since my friend is a fibromyalgia sufferer, she's probably in more day-to-day pain than the average person. As a chronic pain sufferer myself, I can relate to this sort of thing completely. But HOW is it possible to focus SO much on your pain and on everything you CAN'T do (much of which this person COULD actually do, if only she made a teensy bit of effort!) to the exclusion of every single thing which is *good* in your life??!!?? Honestly, every single time I visit her, the same broken record plays over and over and over again, i.e., "I can't do this because it hurts too much," "I can't do that because etc., etc. etc.," "I'm so alone" and on and on ad nauseam. Ummmm...as somebody who WORKS through her pain and actually gets things ACCOMPLISHED, painful though they might be for me to do, I have a hard time relating to THAT. And, for one moment, just think about one little thing: If you're so freaking negative all of the freaking time, and tend to suck the very souls out of those people who DO trouble to spend some time with you whenever they can, is it any wonder AT ALL that you are so "alone?" Here's a newsflash for you, toots...people don't LIKE being around people who are negative ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! And, when you spend your life either on WebMD or constantly Googling all of the supposed freaking health "syndromes" which you may or may not have and spend whatever *spare* time you might have complaining about every real or imaginary symptom that you might be experiencing, what can I say? Perhaps it's time to get yourself into a Munchausen's support group! Of course, that'll mean that you'll need to spend time listening to OTHER PEOPLE'S complaints as well and, as completely self-absorbed as you've been lately, such a thing might *not* be for you, after all!
ANOTHER "newsflash" for my constantly complaining friend...I have *another* friend who's recently LOST HER FREAKING LEG and who is STILL making the effort to be positive and to focus upon those things which she CAN do! Such people are the "survivors" of this cruel world. Such people are WORTH supporting and giving a hand-up to. And then, there are those (like my "Debbie Downer" friend) who aren't WORTH bothering to keep alive in this world. Such parasites not only suck endless $$$ from the system, but they also suck from the very souls from those of us who try to care for them, never content until WE are feeling as perpetually miserable as they are! I've very recently come to the conclusion that such "friends" aren't really worth having...
Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
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Topics should be about experiences, comments, and observations from our members' personal lives.
Topics should be about experiences, comments, and observations from our members' personal lives.
Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
"The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have." -- Leonard Nimoy (1931-2015)
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Icey
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
I think they ARE worth having Cindy, if their other qualities're basically on a par with your own, but I think we all know people like this. Sometimes, they just want sympathy, sometimes they're lonely and have no one to offload to - or anyone who really cares. It can bring other people down, I admit, but when someone's in constant bad pain or feeling rough, just a cuddle can make them feel better.
It can't be very nice having to live with pain that won't go away, and we're not all made of the "strong stuff". I've known folk with the most terrible diseases and physical disabilities, and some of them still manage to be cheerful, whilst others seem to have all the fight taken out of them. One of my sisters has a good friend with MS. It's gradually getting worse, and she knows what to expect in the end, but she's got spirit. She still goes out shopping, albeit in a wheelchair or scooter, and she's entertaining friends over Christmas, but she rarely moans about her plight. On the other hand, I know a woman with breast cancer, who's thankfully in remission and things're looking good, but moan? It's all the time, and she refuses to let her husband leave her side unless absolutely necessary.
No doubt this reaction's born of fear, depression and of not really understanding and accepting that for now, she's alright. Some folk just can't deal with illnesses, and their feelings come out in different ways. Some moan for all they're worth and almost seem to LOVE talking about their ailments - it relieves them to discuss it over and over again - but they don't always realise how depressing it is to those around them.
I have a lot of compassion for truly poorly people, and knowing a few, I do my best to make them feel better. Sometimes their grumbles get to me, since I've had my own and family's problems to deal with, but I wouldn't un-friend them because of their fears - and that's what it is really. We aren't all able to be tolerant in such situations, but I try to put myself in their position, knowing that they don't have the strength to overcome obstacles like some others can.
I hope that you can tell your friend that yes, OK., you understand her position, but she must try not to dwell on herself all the time, and do your best to change the subject - talking about her cat, dog or whatever. Sometimes they forget though, and go through the whole rhetoric yet again, so it's either grin and bear it or cut your visits a bit shorter I suppose.
She maybe feels better talking to you because of your nursing experience, but I fully understand that you can only do so much before wanting to shut off.
Being alone makes things even worse for your friend. She'll have time to think about her aches and pains, and I assume, would like some sympathy which'll make her feel better. You've already given that, so a quick "how are you feeling today", genuinely meant, hopefully gives you the scope to talk about the positive things which YOU'VE done or heard, and to take her mind off herself. It's not easy, I know. I helped a friend to care for her elderly and ill mother for several years. The poor woman felt so lousy that she scarcely managed another topic of conversation, but we'd buzz around, tidying up for her and trying to amuse her with tales that were funny as we did so. It worked, in part, but had we sat there, simply empathising over a cup of coffee, it would've turned us mad. I always liked to see this woman, and'd take her little gifts that we'd open together because her hands were riddled with arthritis. I'd talk about where they'd come from, and ask her if she liked the colour, etc., but then I'd jump up and change the subject before she could have another moan. She WAS in pain, and it must've been unpleasant. It rendered her housebound and isolated when her daughter or myself weren't there to do certain things for her, but you always left with a sigh of relief. I learnt to turn the other cheek, and let her get bits and bobs off her chest. There but for the Grace and all that.
It can't be very nice having to live with pain that won't go away, and we're not all made of the "strong stuff". I've known folk with the most terrible diseases and physical disabilities, and some of them still manage to be cheerful, whilst others seem to have all the fight taken out of them. One of my sisters has a good friend with MS. It's gradually getting worse, and she knows what to expect in the end, but she's got spirit. She still goes out shopping, albeit in a wheelchair or scooter, and she's entertaining friends over Christmas, but she rarely moans about her plight. On the other hand, I know a woman with breast cancer, who's thankfully in remission and things're looking good, but moan? It's all the time, and she refuses to let her husband leave her side unless absolutely necessary.
No doubt this reaction's born of fear, depression and of not really understanding and accepting that for now, she's alright. Some folk just can't deal with illnesses, and their feelings come out in different ways. Some moan for all they're worth and almost seem to LOVE talking about their ailments - it relieves them to discuss it over and over again - but they don't always realise how depressing it is to those around them.
I have a lot of compassion for truly poorly people, and knowing a few, I do my best to make them feel better. Sometimes their grumbles get to me, since I've had my own and family's problems to deal with, but I wouldn't un-friend them because of their fears - and that's what it is really. We aren't all able to be tolerant in such situations, but I try to put myself in their position, knowing that they don't have the strength to overcome obstacles like some others can.
I hope that you can tell your friend that yes, OK., you understand her position, but she must try not to dwell on herself all the time, and do your best to change the subject - talking about her cat, dog or whatever. Sometimes they forget though, and go through the whole rhetoric yet again, so it's either grin and bear it or cut your visits a bit shorter I suppose.
She maybe feels better talking to you because of your nursing experience, but I fully understand that you can only do so much before wanting to shut off.
Being alone makes things even worse for your friend. She'll have time to think about her aches and pains, and I assume, would like some sympathy which'll make her feel better. You've already given that, so a quick "how are you feeling today", genuinely meant, hopefully gives you the scope to talk about the positive things which YOU'VE done or heard, and to take her mind off herself. It's not easy, I know. I helped a friend to care for her elderly and ill mother for several years. The poor woman felt so lousy that she scarcely managed another topic of conversation, but we'd buzz around, tidying up for her and trying to amuse her with tales that were funny as we did so. It worked, in part, but had we sat there, simply empathising over a cup of coffee, it would've turned us mad. I always liked to see this woman, and'd take her little gifts that we'd open together because her hands were riddled with arthritis. I'd talk about where they'd come from, and ask her if she liked the colour, etc., but then I'd jump up and change the subject before she could have another moan. She WAS in pain, and it must've been unpleasant. It rendered her housebound and isolated when her daughter or myself weren't there to do certain things for her, but you always left with a sigh of relief. I learnt to turn the other cheek, and let her get bits and bobs off her chest. There but for the Grace and all that.
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
I know what you're saying, Icey, and I can appreciate your thoughts on the issue. Honestly, though, it seems as though this woman just CAN'T be happy unless she's making everyone around her just as miserable as she is. I've tried, often, to cheer her up, take her out for lunch, and to take her out for those "girly" things (manicures, pedicures, etc.) that tend to make us feel "pampered" and just a bit better about ourselves. But seriously...I have my OWN health issues, my OWN stress level and my OWN life to deal with. And honestly?? I'm not getting enough from this relationship to motivate me to want to continue it. I know that that sounds selfish, in many ways. BUT -- how much can one continue to do for someone when, no matter WHAT one does, it's never "right," never "enough", etc.? I honestly could never understand the mindset of someone like her. Honestly, life can't ALWAYS be "all about you." That kind of incessant self-absorption is certainly not, in my opinion, conducive to making or to keeping friends. And honestly, I just CAN'T continue to be around someone who's so constantly "needy," and who doesn't appear to be even halfway "happy" unless she's capable of dragging me down to her same level of misery. After the way she bitched me out over the Christmas present which I had so thoughtfully chosen for her, I'm of the opinion that if I'm NOT going to dump her so-called "friendship" entirely, I'm at least entitled to a "break" from it. I intend to enjoy my holiday with my family, IN SPITE of the fact that I hurt like Hell and will be working throughout the majority of it.
"The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have." -- Leonard Nimoy (1931-2015)
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Icey
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
You're a good, decent person Cindy, and yes, with your own health problems, I DO understand that the last thing you need is for someone to express her neediness in the ways you've described. It's difficult isn't it, but you see, you and I obviously have a stronger mental outlook, which enables us to carry on as best we can. Vikki could well be right that fibro and the menopause could compound how this woman's feeling. She sounds pretty depressed and lonely, and people like that can use their ailments as a form of conversation rather than stand up to them and make some effort and determination. Pain can be ignored by some of us, but for others, it changes their whole way of thinking.
I think you've done your best for your friend. It must be exhausting to be mentally battered by this type of assault on your feelings, and I'm sorry that your Christmas gift wasn't appreciated after you'd carefully chosen it. I think you DO, certainly need a break from her over the festive period, and maybe for a while afterwards. I really DO understand how you feel Cindy. It's just the luck of the draw whether you get a friend with "grit", or someone who becomes overwhelmed by their illnesses, and no matter what you say or do, it may never be enough. You've tried though. You enjoy your break with your family, and forget about trying to go up and beyond what others might've done with this person. I think she still "needs" your common sense though, when you're able to visit her again! x
I think you've done your best for your friend. It must be exhausting to be mentally battered by this type of assault on your feelings, and I'm sorry that your Christmas gift wasn't appreciated after you'd carefully chosen it. I think you DO, certainly need a break from her over the festive period, and maybe for a while afterwards. I really DO understand how you feel Cindy. It's just the luck of the draw whether you get a friend with "grit", or someone who becomes overwhelmed by their illnesses, and no matter what you say or do, it may never be enough. You've tried though. You enjoy your break with your family, and forget about trying to go up and beyond what others might've done with this person. I think she still "needs" your common sense though, when you're able to visit her again! x
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
And pilvikki, I'll do my best to convince her to get checked re: the hormone levels, although she's much younger than me and probably not yet perimenopausal...that is, as soon as I'm speaking to her again. Who knows? By the time I AM speaking to her again, she just might be!!
"The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have." -- Leonard Nimoy (1931-2015)
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
And Icey, it's not just the nastiness re: my gift to her, but her continued bitchiness when I'm not feeling well enough to function as her "chauffeur," her "housemaid," her "laundry woman" or whatever OTHER project she might have on board for me whenever I might come to visit. Sure, there are days when I can, and, on those days, I do my best to lend a hand...and then, there are OTHER days in which I'd rather have just kept my fat old ass in bed, but went on over there, anyway, because I knew she was lonely and probably wanting some company. As I said, her continued self-absorption has very effectively destroyed much of the affection I had for her in the first place. Yes, I need a break. I AM a compassionate person, and, undoubtedly, I'll be there, at some later point in time, to lend what support I can to her. Whether or not the friendship will ever be what it was (and my opinion, lately, it WASN'T much, at least, not from what was experienced on my end) is another matter, entirely.
"The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have." -- Leonard Nimoy (1931-2015)
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Icey
Re: Oh, those "Debbie Downers!"
I know what you're saying. I'm not criticising what you've done/are doing for your friend, because obviously you put a tremendous amount of effort into helping those around you, as I've noticed from previous posts. I just hope that things work out, and if your feelings towards this person've changed because of her manner, don't feel bad about that. These sort of people can change the heart of a saint, and goodness knows many of us've given our best but to no avail. In that case, you can only say that your opinion of her's altered, but you're willing to give her basic support if you can. Don't stress over it though. Sometimes, enough's enough. We're all only human.