Yes, I AM a freaking idiot...

[brandtrn]

Just got home from work at 10:00 a.m. That's right, folks, even though my shift is *supposed* to end at 6:30 a.m. A good part of my excess time was caused by our monthly computer "downtime"...once we were back online at 0530, we all had do go back and do documentation of meds given during that time, assessments which had been done, etc. It didn't help that I had to hit the floor running and NEVER stopped throughout the shift. At the very beginning of my shift, I had a patient practically bouncing off the walls because he/she had been promised to be discharged home "by noon." Guess what?? At 6:00 p.m., when I arrived, the patient was pacing the hallway, frequently interrupting while shift-to-shift report was being given, and wondering WHAT the eff was going on with her discharge. Can't say that I blamed her. Her ride was already there, she was showered, dressed, and ready to go, and staff was still dragging their feet on getting the paperwork ready so that she could leave. In the meantime, she was so agitated and anxious that her blood pressure was going through the roof (shall we say 200/100, folks??), so I had THAT to deal with before I could feel "safe" about letting her go...what the Hell good would it have done me if I'd have expedited that paperwork, only to have her blow an effing artery on her way out the door?? I managed to calm her down by telling her that I'd deal with it immediately and in the meantime, had our hospitalist see her and got orders for extra BP and pain meds to bring that BP down to a more "safe" level before letting her go. Still, I began my shift aggravated as Hell, wondering WHAT the eff the day shift did all freaking day long to allow a discharge to be done more than six hours AFTER it was supposed to have happened!

Not only did I have an aggravated patient and a delayed discharge to begin my shift with, but I *also* had fun when our hospitalist, while doing her rounds, wanted me to do STAT labs on a different patient of mine while I was scrambling to clean up the discharge that the day shift had made a mess of. Once I had that done and ran the results (yes, in OUR hospital, lab personnel are out the door by 6 p.m., so we've been trained not only to draw our own labs, but even to run the results of *basic* labs, like Chem 8s, prothrombin times, etc., by ourselves), I handed the results to our hospitalist with a heavy heart, just KNOWING I'd have to somehow fit a blood transfusion into my *already* very busy shift! Yes, as I said previously, I DID hit the floor running and I never freaking stopped! Still, in many respects, it was an enjoyable shift. The patients were all pleasant and I was working with my absolute favorite co-workers (I refer to this particular group of colleagues as the "dream team"), so in spite of the insanity, a good time was had by all. The sad part was, when all of the work (and all of the documentation, which was delayed by our "downtime") was finally completed and I'd reported off to the next shift, I STILL was not free to leave. No, indeed! There was a mandatory housewide staff meeting which I was required to attend, which meant that I could either a) hang out in the building for another hour until the *first* one started or b) go home, try to nap for a couple of hours, and come BACK to attend one in the early afternoon. That was a no-brainer for me! So yes, I hung out, attended that meeting which lasted for a freaking hour and a half, all the while struggling NOT to fall asleep while the thing was going on. Grrrrrr! If ALL staff are required to attend these damned things, isn't it possible to schedule one of them an hour before our shift begins, or to START said meetings a bit earlier in the day, like at 7:00 a.m.? WHY are we night-shifters *always* expected to attend these freaking "mandatory" meetings during times when we should be winding down from our day and preparing to crawl into bed (or worse yet, during times which fall in the middle of our "night")? Again, grrrrrrrr!!

What makes all of this even more pathetic is that I'm now at the beginning of a stretch of four nights off which will be undoubtedly interrupted by numerous pleas from the powers-that-be at work to pick up "just one more" extra shift. Yes, it's CRAZY busy in that place right now, as everybody and their brother has scheduled those elective surgeries that they've put off ALL FREAKING YEAR LONG and are now scrambling to meet their deductibles, drain their FSAs, etc. I DID pick up ONE extra shift last week, against my Doc's advice and against my own better judgment, and spent my couple of days off THIS week repeatedly refusing pleas to come in and to do "just one more." And yes, I felt bad about it, in one way. I KNEW that my colleagues were struggling with the incredible influx of patients and were stressed, and I also knew that perhaps there were patients who *weren't* getting the care they'd been promised because of the short-staffing. I probably WOULD have picked up another additional shift, if my husband hadn't made it *very* clear that there would have been war at home if I had done so. So, on those lousy two nights that I DID have off, I wasn't even able to enjoy them. Not only because my daytime sleep was interrupted multiple times by repeated phone calls from work, but because I was actually feeling *guilty* because I wasn't there to support my co-workers. I look for a repeat performance of THIS particular circumstance on Monday. I already know what my answer will be: no, no, no and NO!!! If I pick up Monday night (short-staffed though they are), that'll put me in a position of having to do FOUR twelve-hour shifts in a row (and, on those nights when we have multiple admissions, lots of fresh post-ops, etc., those twelve-hour shifts can easily stretch into fourteen or more hours!), and I just WON'T do that! Yes, there was a time, when I was a young nurse WITHOUT a bad back, bad knees, etc., when I could easily do FIVE twelve hour shifts in a row (or more!). But age and repeated injury, along with some completely awful arthritis pain, has made such an effort impossible for me at present. After THREE twelve-hour shifts in a row, anymore, I need at least TWO nights off to "recover" from them! I already know that I'm going to feel guilty as Hell for saying "no" (which I've already decided to do), and I know that it's going to be difficult for me to "enjoy" my time off if I know that my colleagues will be suffering as a result of my intransigence. Damn nursing management, anyway!! They've known MONTHS ahead of time that we'd be having this onslaught of admissions, that we'd have so many staff members out on leave, etc., and they've done absolutely NOTHING to mitigate the circumstances somewhat, by hiring a few PRN staff members to fill in the "gaps!" Why, then, should I feel "guilty" for not being willing to step up to the plate and pick up those extra hours??? Realistically, I know that I shouldn't HAVE to feel guilty about it! But I know that there's *still* some part of me that's going to feel that way, anyway, and because of that, I probably won't be able to enjoy my upcoming four nights off as well as I should be able to do. Damn my parents for raising me as a Catholic, anyway! It's bad enough that those of that faith are freaking BORN feeing "guilty," without all the reinforcement that we get which continues to make us feel that way...

[tomsk]

You are wonderful and not an Idiot...

[Icey]

I ditto that. Hands up to you Cindy for being so dedicated and putting others before yourself, but we don't want to hear that you've made yourself feel unwell because of it. Blow the Catholism bit hun. I was raised the same way, but realised that we shouldn't shoulder the guilt that others've beleaguered us with. I hope you take some deep breaths, cuddle up to your husband and forget about work during your time off. Not easy, but like yourself, I have to do it all the time. x

[pilvikki]

GO YURI, GO!

it's sodall to do with being catholic, it's our upbringing as women. the thing that's pounded into our heads to always be helpful, considerate, caring, bla-blah-blah. oh, and my very favourite "do the best you can..."

the thing is, you'll be leaving anyway and you can't hold 2 jobs, although I know you would, if you could. but to what end do you sacrifice yourself? so you can spend the rest of your life in even more pain? all the atta girls isn't going to fix Your health problems.

[Icey]

You're right hun, but Catholics instill these guilt trips onto folk, which I think's totally out of order and obsolete in this day and age.

It's hard for some people to shift the feelings though, and knowing that Cindy's a dedicated worker, that alone'll make her feel as though she has to go the extra mile. I admire that, but as you said, at what cost? I'm sure her experience can be passed on to others, but have to agree that a change in long and stressful work hours might help Cindy's health issues. It'll be tough leaving her team of "good" co-workers, but how difficult's keeping in contact? I think there's a whole new life and learning awaiting our friend, but hopefully without the traumas which her present situation causes.

I wish you all the best Cindy.